Why Am I So Miserable?

Sat: We have all experienced that before we thought we are the thinker, we did not have this sense of survival. We did not have consciousness of danger or memory of events that were painful, and now as soon as the thinker is developed through the ideas, immediately everything else is felt.
“And the child has now left HOME.”
Sat continues: I am going to stop here and I want to hear from all of you. What has your experience been of leaving Home? How did it serve you? What did you do to remedy this event that is very normal? The birth will take you away from Home, but how do we find [our way] back to the Source?
Radha: I have to say that I didn’t know that there was a Home before I met You, meaning before I became familiar with Your DVDs meditation classes, I didn’t know there was a Home. I didn’t know that I had left. I didn’t know anything other than what I experienced. Now I can see that sense of survival and self preservation, I can see it when it rises, even still. And we have so many tools, but just the fact that I can see it and it’s not me but it’s something that I can see, the fact that I now have learned that I have a choice is the biggest thing I can share.
Kavi: For me, I do not know exactly what happened at that age when I left Home, but I can so clearly see this from my 20’s- when I had first found You. Things had gotten to a very desperate place, it was doubt, it was anxiety, it was fear, it was constant judgment of myself along with condemnation. It was racing thoughts and it was always a struggle; it was always a push and a pull, compounded on top of each other.
Sat: Did you ever ask, what happened to you? I mean at an early age of 20; we are not alone! I remember at the age of 18, I just said, “What happened to Me? I have only lived 18 years, why am I so miserable?”
Kavi: For me, I just thought this was life and you had to keep pushing and pulling until you could find some way to survive. That is what is so amazing about this, instead I yelled out for help and I got it, which I am very grateful for. All these feelings started much earlier than my 20’s, but it had to get to a boiling point.
Radha: I was just waiting for it to be over. I never asked why, I never looked for a solution. The youngest memory I had was waiting to die, not in a suicidal way, but I was just waiting for it all to be over.
Kavi: I kept thinking that if I could solve the next thing in my life, it would break this cycle. I was very deep in it, unlike Radha who had a way out. My way out was to continue to twist myself into it.
Sat: I do not know … it really pained My heart to see that there are so many children who think their discomfort is a way of life. Also, the parents encourage … not every parent, most parents encourage succeeding, education, etc., which is very, very important, but it is not the end all. What happens is that the child cannot express, “Listen, I am stressed out and you are putting too much pressure [on me], help me, teach me how I can cope with this pain.”
None of us were taught that and none of us knew that as soon as the identification with the body comes, all these packages are a part of it- the society, the family, the duality, everything. For Me, in My life, like one of you mentioned earlier, when it got to a boiling point, I found My Guru and the journey started. It wasn’t as though He gave Me the directions in My hand, My trust in His love gave Me strength to not go backwards, keep on going forward, keep on doing it, keep on- until it became our lives. Right now, all of us are not after a result, we just say, “This is now my life, before it was striving for absolutely no profit, now I am going to put my effort for something that actually releases my pain.”
Aida: When I came to You, I did not know what my alternatives were, but I knew deep down inside, that that couldn’t be my life.
Sat: But now we know what happened to us, it is very, very important to know this is what happened! It is not a personal suffering, it is not a personal pain, it is not something that you did, it is just being born. You go under the influence of good and bad! And how to pull that back is important; it is important to know.
Meera: Lately that we have been reading from this book, I have gotten this very strong feeling of, “This is not me … I want to go Home.” It has really given me strength and power.
Sat: Yes, and you know how you go Home? Home is never lost; Home was before you even had body identification. You go Home by knowing that you are not the idea of yourself, immediately you are Home. It is not something you want to achieve in a future moment. How many times did we all experience that firsthand? I want to go Home, who wants to go Home, the wrong identification? Just drop it and then we are Home, every moment we feel total Stillness, we are Home and that is how accessible it is.

Sai Center
Why Am I So Miserable?
June 9, 2022