How To Handle Tantrum
Sat gives parents advice on how to handle their 4 year old child's tantrums.
How to Handle Tantrum: 4 Year Old Child
Summary: Sat gives parents advice on how to handle their 4 year old child's tantrums.
Two parents talk to Sat about an afternoon when their almost four year old child, who was throwing tantrums. They said they would take turns engaging him and then get frustrated.
Sat: Talking to him when he is having one of these tantrums means “I am feeding your mind and your emotions.” It is as if you are saying, “I am always there to give you advice when you don’t want to hear it and not having a remedy for your feelings at all.” When he does that (throws a tantrum), you have to show strength. Let him do it and be utterly quiet in the car (if you are driving), and if he does it too much, you stop the car, you roll the window down, we did it many times to our kids, you stop the car and you get out of the car; you just stand by the car.
You don’t even have to explain why you are doing that, because he knows what he is doing. If he asks you about it, you say, “When you no longer can be unhappy, I will get back in the car, otherwise I won’t.” You have to show something out of your own comfort zone in order to fix him, there is no fast remedy. It needs a persistent remedy for this. He has gotten attention from you guys; there is no doubt about [that]. You just have to put a stop to that and an explanation doesn’t do it; he needs to see that he loses you two [when he throws a tantrum].
Question: You are referring to emotional outbursts?
Sat: Yes! An emotional outburst means he got whatever he wanted from you guys, even when you didn’t want to give it; you pacified him in the wrong way. You just have to reverse that, otherwise it is not his fault at all, neither is it you guys’, it is like a training for all of you to do that.
But emotional …I was an emotional person Myself. I fixed My own self, [and] amongst the Asheghan there were three or four very emotional people. Whenever they were like that, they would not find Me. I wouldn’t answer their call, I would not respond to their texts, and if they asked [about it] I would say, “You are going to have to come to some sort of a cure for yourself.”
Question: And for Luca it is when he is back in balance, it’s when he is happy again?
Sat: No, you are very quiet until he becomes quiet and you guys start talking and you don’t take it back to the memory of what happened in the car a few minutes later, unless he asks you!
Question: Do you just start talking about other things?
Sat: Yes, other things, move on, you just move on, as soon as he is ok you move on, as if nothing happened. If he does it again, you stop the car, you get out, and he is fine again, you get back in the car and you move on. He has to understand that unless he moves on himself, you guys are not moving on.
Question: And if he asks us why we got out of the car - that is when we get to tell him that …
Sat: You don’t talk about what he did, you ask him, “How did it feel? Did it feel good for you to be throwing a tantrum?” That is all you have to say; he is going to think about it, he is going to think about it, “No, it didn’t feel good.”
You don’t want to constantly tell him what he is doing wrong because they become deaf, there is no consequence, it’s just “don’t do that.” [It is as if he says] “Well, I am going to do it.”
It is like you saying, “I am not going to smoke anymore, or I am not going to drink,” that’s what happens to them when you tell them not to. They get more attracted to doing it! Does that make sense?
Question: So, we make sure in every way possible … we don’t give it any attention, we stay quiet, if he doesn’t bring it up, we just move on?
Sat: You just move on.
Question: And if he does ask us, we ask him how it felt?
Question: What if he pushes for an explanation?
Sat: [You are showing him that] if it doesn’t feel good, you have to let it go, because we are not going to be around when you are doing that.
Question: If he is throwing a fit and we are ignoring him but he is still throwing his fit, can I put him in his room and let him finish his fit there? Or do I just stay there and let him keep doing it and I just stay quiet? If it’s going on for too long…
Sat: It depends on where you are. If they go into their room, then they forget and they start other activities, there is no lesson in that. Remember the example in “Most Precious” where the child follows you and wants your attention and you are not giving it and he continues to want your attention? It will last longer, but it is more effective when you do your own thing and you don’t talk and his tantrum is going to go up in height because you don’t talk and eventually he will settle down. You just have to show strength, it is not easy the first few times.
I am not for repeated communication because too much of repeated communication goes in one ear and out the other.
Question: Just show it [instead]?
Sat: Show it with your action - that you don’t approve of that at all. You guys can talk to one another, do other things, leave the room, etc. Don’t send him someplace, you leave the room. Say he is doing something here and you don’t pay attention to it and it gets worse and worse, just open the front door, go out and shut the front door. If he comes outside, still [you] do the same thing.
Parents: Thank you so much, this was so good, I think I can do that.
Sat: Yeah, because your system hasn’t gotten you anywhere, has it? The bigger he is, the longer it takes to correct him.