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Conversations With Sat

A group of young parents receive guidance from Sat on raising their children.

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Sat: Hi everybody

Sat: I'm very happy we're all together once more. It's such a crucial and important meeting we have because for Me, the most important part of the whole thing is for the parents to help themselves and indirectly be a help to their children. So go ahead, Bahar.

Question 1: How do we help children deal with the disappointment that everyone faces in life? Sometimes we feel like we succeeded and sometimes we feel like we failed. How do we help them weather these storms?

Sat: Well, sometimes we won't be able to help because that's their feelings. And I think the way I always felt is to put yourself in your child's place and not to be as an adult giving advice and saying, “Oh, disappointment is part of life, it will go away, stay strong,” and all of that. But before we get advice, I really think that we should, for a moment, put ourselves in their place and feel what they feel at that time. Because by doing that we have a much deeper understanding of how to advise them.

So, first we acknowledge their feelings because they are having it and then we can say that in life there are going to be a lot of changes, some to our liking and some to our disliking. And we just have to be able to handle the ones that we don't like without any resistance and that only can penetrate in a child when we do the same thing ourselves. And also we cannot be impatient with them and say, “You know, again you're disappointed, again you're disappointed …” but just calmly explain it to them. So gradually talk to them, repeatedly, about how we can drop the disappointment by seeing
that it doesn't feel good and it doesn't change the situation so it's best to let it go and move on from it or learn from it.

So each child is different but I think that the most important thing that I like to bring to the attention is do not advise your child as a very separate unit than your child. It is best to feel them first and then advise them in a way that it actually teaches them the art of living and don’t brush away how they feel at the very first moment but really talk to them about how they can deal with it next time it comes and what it is and how it can be eliminated by not going with the uncomfortable feelings. I think honestly the biggest love we can give to our children beside nourishment and security is to teach them how to not be so sensitive toward every thought and identifying with every uncomfortable thought as we do for ourselves. I think that will set them free in their lives years to come. In other words, the art of living with patience and understanding.

Question 2: If we need to get our children to school or somewhere at a certain time, how do we get them out of the door without over emphasizing on time or creating stress?

Sat: Let them be late. Because this is repeated every morning, I'm sure. Let them be late. Just tell him that if you want to be late that's fine but that's a consequence. Yeah, it's really, really stressful in the morning when you are rushing. If you can help it, they can be prepared earlier or get up earlier and wake up in the atmosphere of tranquility and peace and you can distract them from their own feeling of not wanting to rush. And there are a lot of tricks that can be done in order to not replace the rushing out of the door. And the kids have to have a consequence. If they're late, then a couple of times that they're late at school, they see the consequence of the school. We can't always try to have it our way without them knowing why we are having it our way. That's all I can say. It's chaos in the morning in the parent's house and you just have to find a way to start earlier, change your approach toward the time, make a game out of getting ready, anything you can, doing a few minutes of silent sitting once they get up, some sort of meditation [etc.] But I'm sure that the mother, if you sit down and really think about it, you come up with a very creative way without rushing them out of the door.

Question 3: What expectations, if any, should we have of our children?

Sat: I wouldn't call it expectations. I would call it teaching. What can you expect of a child that's been on earth for a few years? I think if the parents walk their words, honestly, it's the biggest example. If there is no fibbing in the house, if there are no mean words in the house, if there is no fight in the house, then the child also is not exposed to that in the house. But as far as expectation goes, each household has a different type of expectation. I would say just decency. Respect to the parents, kindness to the people, and self-confidence. For them to develop this confidence, in My experience, comes by reminding your child who they are, not to remind them who they are not, which would be in the category of all sorts of expectation and understanding. Self-confidence in the kids will also lead them to choose the right friends - they don't need to go out to, you know, impress the wrong group of people to get some attention. Also politeness. And understanding, deep understanding of their feelings and their way of thinking. Just respect, I would say, if you want to expect anything from your child, teach them respect. Respecting themselves and others.

Question 4: When I see my daughter not focusing on my instructions, I get myself super frustrated and angry and start yelling at her nowadays. I notice that I am losing my temper with her very frequently and I feel bad after yelling at her. Please tell me how I can approach this issue in a better way.

Sat: [Laughing] I would say fire yourself. Can that person give the job to someone else? If you cannot, I would say work on yourself. Not everybody can concentrate well. Maybe the teaching should be in a way of game. Maybe it should not be so strict and dry.
Maybe you can come up with some sort of creative thing that gets the attention of the child to solve whatever is in front of them. But, if something does not work with your child, it means it does not work. Repetition of the same thing will not make it work any better. So, if we can watch the way we approach and we fail, the next time it comes around, do something else, approach it differently.

Children want to have fun and I do not blame them at all. I don't even know why we are sending them to school. It is such a rigid thing. That is how much I give understanding to the kids. But, then make it fun. Make it sort of … I do not know what subject you are working with them … but I am sure you can come up with something that they look forward to or at least can tolerate that time with you.

Anita: Hi Sat, this is Anita. That was my question for Kyra. I see [the problem] in day-to-day [activities], like taking care of herself. Like, if she is taking a shower, I give her instructions: “Hey, make sure you have your fan on because you have to really dry your hair, otherwise you are going to get sick.” Then I take a shower and come and then I see her doing nothing. It is not the first attempt that I yell at her - it’s after three, four attempts. Nowadays, when I see that is not happening on the first attempt on a different week, and then I get frustrated and then yell at her and I feel really bad.

Sat: Yeah, well, let me stop you right there before we go on. Wet hair does not cause colds unless you believe it. So, quit putting that theory in your child's mind where every time there is a winter, they are going to come up with a terrible flu because they believe that. It is not true at all. I never told my kids and they never caught a cold with the wet hair. That is the first thing I want you to release yourself of this fear.

Second is, remember, the children did not come here to obey the parents at all times. The children that obey the parents at all times, they will grow up to obey anybody and anything and they shut down on their intuitive faculties because they are going to be a follower and not the leader. Only a leader has confidence. So, please re-evaluate what you are asking your child to do, and choose the most important one. If their study is lagging behind, that is important. You choose that. If they are using foul words in the house or acting very rude to you and your husband, then that is important. But for you to want everything perfect because you were taught to do it that way, did it work out for you? No, really. If we look at our own life, all these do's and don'ts have made such an extreme prison around ourselves. So, do we want to do the same thing?

I remember when I was raising My children, there were things they would do that would frighten Me like you would not believe. Whether it was risk, whatever it was … then I would ask Myself, is putting fear in them better or allowing them to do it? If it was very dangerous, I would go with the fear and tell them about it. But if it wasn't, I would really keep quiet because the damage is more. This is how we believe the illness. Because everybody in their advice, they warn us about things and this leaves an impression on a child. And this impression gets deeper.

Yeah, I'm glad you brought it up. I want all the parents to know that. Let her have wet hair. And if she dries it, she dries it, and if she doesn't, she doesn't. Just tell her, say, “You know, you will sleep much better when your hair is not wet. But it's your choice. I would rather you did it. But if you don’t, then this is your choice.” And this is how the daughters come closest to the mother. Because the mother is no longer just the authority: there is a communication, there is an understanding that goes between mother and daughter and it changes the whole picture. And do things with her. In other words, if she's in any sports, do the same sports with her. Yeah. Absolutely. I'm so glad you brought it up. It's such an important thing. I'm glad everybody's open to bring up these types of questions.

Question 5: Sat Jan, there was something so on my heart when You were answering Anita's question that I just wanted to share it while we have a few minutes. As it has been discussed in this call, I was such an obedient child and when I first became a parent myself, that is what I thought I was going for, which was ridiculous, because as I have seen and You have helped me see since then, it did not serve me at all. It shut down that voice, that intuitive voice inside of me and it ruined my self-confidence. And, honest to God, I have come so far from there that I even root for Luca to a certain extent when he is a little rebellious, when he’s not obedient in the things that do not really matter at all. I was just reviewing that while You were answering her question. I just wanted to say thank You for changing my view in every way.

Sat: Yes, that is true. I see so much more confidence in you than some years ago and now you know how to give that confidence to your son also. I took a vow when I got married that if I have children, no matter what circumstances there are, I will not take the same approach that brought Me pain in My childhood, even out of love, even out of the best intentions. So if My mom, out of her love, warned Me against many activities that she thought were dangerous, or many situations that she did not like, and it did cause Me resistance and fear later on in life, I would take that love that I have for my kids and turn it to silence. In other words, I would be fearful Myself of what they were going to do, but I would bite My tongue not to voice it because I knew that the damage of warning them is greater than what they are going to do. And I'm talking about the sports or some sort of adventurous things or some stuff that I would normally resist.
Yeah, it's very, very important to measure what it is that we are trying to inject in our children. Is it worth it to warn them against it or is it worth it to say don't do it or do it or all of that stuff? So we are not automatically passing what we learned to the next generation.

Question 6: My child resists change, he automatically fears it and it creates anxiety for him, whether it is change in his schedule, or bigger changes like a new school or soccer team? How can I help ease these transitions for him? Can You explain not resisting in words a child might understand?

Sat: These are the traits he was born with. And I know a lot of people that change bothers them. And yet when the change happens, and they go through their anxiety, they love it and they become attached to that. I would say just with love and understanding, every situation is different. Just to understand that some people have a harder time with change. And just taking your time, having understanding. Walking with the child through the change. Explaining that change is a part of life and if we stand against it, it becomes harder. Doing a Relax Meditation with the child where you relax every limb in your body. And then you can play the trust meditation where whatever changes does not mean is bad. Just a very gentle, not forceful type of approach and patience. Not everybody can accept changes as fast as the other person. Just feeling it would be really nice.

Something that I like to say that has nothing to do with the questions so far is that be conscious to not bully your child out of your love. In other words, put their feelings ahead of your good and bad. And the most noble thing we can do with our children is help them develop an incredible amount of self-confidence. And that comes through the love and understanding of the parents. And acceptance of the parents.

Question 7: It seems there are times to listen to our children and their wishes and preferences and times when we shouldn't. For example, for my son, listening about switching schools was important but not when he didn’t want to play soccer. I wanted to know if You can give us more clarity on when to listen and when to not listen?

Sat: When it's beneficial for the child [and] when it's damaging for the child. The school was damaging. You came to Me, I said, change it immediately. The soccer was beneficial. He said no [and] I said, approach it in a different way. You did. And now he's doing it. So that would be the measure of acceptance. But if a child is really resisting something that is really good for them, and you cannot convince them by a different approach, then let it go and find what they have passion about, right?

Question 8: When my daughter comes from school and asks the meaning of some bad words, what is the best way to answer her?

Sat: Let me see how I would have [handled it]. I was not in this situation. I know with girls, you are. But with boys, they never come to their mother and ask for an explanation of a word. I don't know, I probably would say, “Since we're not going to use it in this house, you don't need to know the meaning of it,” if it's an insult. If it is something that eventually they grow up and they need to know about it, please do explain it in very simple words. You know, sometimes the children might ask about the sexual things that we might call bad words, but those have to be addressed, better with the mother and father than a stranger or a friend. But if it's just a plain old insult, I would say, since we're not going to use it here, you don't need to know the meaning of it.

Question 9: Hi, Sat. I have a question in regards to my daughter, Liyana. Lately, when I give her any kind of redirection or critique, even when I do it really kindly, which I have been doing recently, she gets very defensive, or she takes it personally. I can see, even with a slight comment, tears coming in her eyes. It makes me think that she looks at me for approval for everything. I am sure some of that is due to bad parenting in the past, but I want to move forward from that, where she relies on her own confidence and does not look at my reactions. How can I do that? How can I change her personality and what I have already set up?

Sat: A heart-to-heart talk with her would be very, very helpful. You can actually say what you just said to Me. Say, “You know, when I give you a suggestion or something, you take it personally, or maybe you even see it differently. This is my intention of what I am doing with you. I want to know about your feeling, what makes you react this way.” When you have this heart-to-heart question, make sure that every so often you also insert confidence in her by saying that, “I totally trust you. I totally see your intelligence and your wiseness. I have no problem, but as a father, sometimes I will give you suggestions and I want you to also give me an understanding of where I am coming from.” So it has to be not brushed away, even though you both understand this is being repeated, but to really sit down type of a deal and a heart-to-heart talk, which translates into more confidence in both of you.
And It has to be a time that both of you are having a time where you are receptive to this heart-to-heart. You can say, “Let's go for a ride. I would love to have some quality time. I have a couple of things I want both of us to look at and see what we can come up [with] to make it better.” Almost like a type of two adults trying to solve an old approach.

Now that we don’t have any other questions, let’s talk about impressions with our children. Let’s talk about the spiritual part and the most important part of our children before we say goodbye. Now, our children came through the mother’s body, and of course, the mother and father are going to be their main caretaker. There’s no doubt about that. But let’s not forget that the main thing we can do for our children is not so much do’s and don’ts, it’s how can we free their mind from anxiety that could be affecting them [now] or in the future? How can we be a source of spiritual power for them? I would say through stories. If you can find stories that give them expansion, give them something they can remember how to deal with when they are sad, when they are angry, when they are resisting, when they are running away from their bad thoughts, when they are fearful of losing their parents, when they’re afraid of the dark. If we can really put our effort, instead of do’s and don’ts, to observe our children and see where their weaknesses are and bring the sword of truth and help them with them. I promise you, you have done more than any other parents.

Let’s not concentrate on how much they eat, how much they don’t eat, how much they do their homework, how much they don’t do homework, how well they can make their bed or put their dish in the sink. Let’s put more emphasis on looking at them and see where there is a weakness developing and turn it to strength, self-confidence, and okayness for them. I wish that we were raised like this, where we were taught that a lot of things we accept are not the truth, are not real, and who we are is much greater than anything else. Yeah, let’s emphasize on that more than looking at our children and trying to correct them or making them even a decent person. They become decent by knowing who they are, automatically. And if they have fear, how can we, through our own understanding and spirituality, help them to see through it? So, as much as I answer ordinary questions, I want to take your attention to the extraordinary work that we all are doing with our children and we should continue, and that is to feed their soul rather than getting them constantly ready for Maya.

Parenting Conf
Feb 03, 2024

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