Conversations With Sat-Oct 19, 2024

Sat: Hi, beautiful parents.

Bahar: Good morning, Sat Jan, thank You so much for joining us today. We're so happy to have You. This morning we have Anita Asal, Farnaz, Mansour, Meera, Radha, Vijay, Saranya, Kavi, Sudabeh, our newcomer, Janani, and Ananda let us know that unfortunately, she is at work and cannot join this morning.

Sat: Welcome everyone.I'm very glad that we have this chance to be together and talk about our children and parenthood, which is the most important role in life. So, go ahead, Bahar, with the questions, whether the person would like to ask personally or you say it.

Bahar: Of course, Sat Jan. I have gathered in advance eight questions, so I can start with those.

Sat: Go ahead.

Question One: You have said many times that we shouldn't be intimidated by our children. Can You please help us remove this weakness? How can we not be intimidated?

Sat: Our role is to love our children, and that love also contains in it discipline, correction, advice, [and] direction. It is not to impress our children or be accepted by our children or have their love at all times. That's irrelevant. What is relevant is love. When it drives every direction that you position yourself in [in] the life of your children, it will always have a good result. I see in Western countries, particularly, that we don't want our children to be mad at us or momentarily not like us, so we go out of our way, even against what we think is right, to accommodate that situation. So when correction is needed, in a loving way but stern at times, it needs to be given.

Intimidation is when the parents want their child to be satisfied with them at all times. But their child’s satisfaction is a childish way, it’s not a permanent way. So this is what it means. And I guarantee you that your children will find fault with you, if not now, when they grow up. So as parents, we have to rest in peace and accept this part, which is totally okay, and then do our best with the love that we have for them.

You know, when our children have desires - even when we don't want to fulfill them, we don't think it's a good idea, we do it at times. Or we feed them things that normally we would want to not feed them just because they ask for it. We just have to remember [that] there has to be a balance, because too much fulfilling the desires, it just makes the child have more desires, just like ourselves. It's not that we cut it off vigorously or strongly, we just ignore it until he passes on. And when we please our child at all times we're not building a right [way of] approaching them in life because life will not please at all times. It just won't. So what is the best way? It’s to teach them balance in having and not having.

Bahar: Thank You.

Question Two: Gopi’s grandson, Shiya, who is twelve years old, asked the following question: How can God speak to us when we ask Her something?

Sat: In silence. We call it “speak” - “God speaks.” But it really is aware - we become aware in a very tangible way. As if the thoughts become more subtle and yet it’s very, very understandable. In silence, things dawn on us. Things become, in a way, clear, like we never saw it before. At times, a conversation takes place, but it's not an audible conversation. It is a knowingness that takes place. We can call it that higher Self or God. And this conversation, this awareness, is at all times available, it’s just that we don't have the wisdom and knowledge to know that there are such things within us at all times. And we don't know how to reach it. So silence is one of the main gateways to communion. We have to have faith that when we are praying as a child that a hundred percent the answer is there too so the prayer does not come one sided, but is confident in receiving. There was a time that I would not leave my praying station until I had clarity.

Question Three: My daughter won't hear or accept new ideas or opinions from me. She will from her father, but not from me. It's happening in a rush situation like she starts to cry before a performance, and I cannot convince her to listen to me. What can I do?

Sat: Nothing at this time, so accept it. Accept it. At this time, she wants to please her father. That's all it means. She's too intimate with you. She is too close with you to care about how you feel. You see when we feel, in our heart, really close to someone, we don't have to cater to that person. We know we have that person. That's the character of humans. If at this time she wants to please her father, then just let it and it will change. It will change.

But the way I see the situation, the mother will always be a mother in her life. In other words, that closeness will never go away. Just the fact that she doesn't want to pay attention to you only shows the intimacy between both of you. We can always look at things on the surface, the top layers, by saying my daughter does not listen to me. Why is she not listening to me? Let me contemplate on that. We find out that is a natural flow of her life. And also, what else would help is to change our ways to approach her. As a mother, if something does not work, find another way to accomplish your goal with her.

Question Four: What is the best way to set boundaries for a teenage or preteen girl regarding dating, makeup and how to dress?

Sat: It all depends on the understanding of the mother or father of their daughter. And every parent knows what kind of teenager or child they are and what kind of tendencies they have. If the daughter just wants to explore, you give them some freedom as far as, you know, putting a little bit of makeup on and this and that. But if you see your daughter is going too fast, then you put a regulation: a family regulation, a tradition regulation, a situation regulation. But regulation should not be so strict that they start lying to you. You can't lose that part of openness with your child. In other words, the answer should not be no, absolutely not, you cannot do it until you're 18. That's giving an order, and kids don't like that. So explaining and saying, this is a tradition, and I did it, and I would appreciate it if we follow that, or whatever it takes.

But knowing your daughter is the best thing. I mean, two people can come and ask Me the same question. If I know their daughter, I might say absolutely the opposite to both of them. Because knowing that one daughter has a capacity to step the line and still not go too far, and the other one, if you give them an opening, she will go too far. So that's something that parents need to gauge. But in any case, I don't think we can be worried for our teenage daughters because of how decent the parents are raising them.

Question Five: Recently, I shared with You about a child that doesn't listen to grown ups. She does what she wants to very well, but not at all what she doesn't want to. When I shared this, You said that she's going to have a hard life. My question is if there is any way that we can break it while she's still a kid, rather than going through life and having a hard time in actual life? What is the best way? To do some bargaining or force her, although it might not work?

Sat: If she continues wanting her way, she will be bended by life, which is a great experience because then she will become flexible. But that can also be a season in her life of whatever tendency she has come with. I would say if you are not doing some sort of silent sitting with her with music, if it's possible, do that. Just having quality time with the child, one on one, whether with the father or mother helps. Giving the child room to move around and not constantly saying do’s and don'ts will help. Putting yourself in her shoes and finding out how you would want your parents to be with you is another good way of gauging this situation. Not going with the parenthood book, that this means this and this reaction should be confronted with this reaction is good. Just playing with that. And with a deep understanding of the child again, and looking at the child. I mean observing the child and her actions outside of your relationship, and then you get to know your child really well, and then you can tap dance around working with her.

Question Six: When you see that a child needs meditation or quiet time, but they want to play instead or are ignoring the meditation that you are playing for them, what do you do?

Sat: I’ll tell you what I did. It might help. When we went in the evening before sleep to meditate, the meditation room, whether you have a corner altar in your house or in your closet, or you have given a whole room to it, I would go beforehand and light tons of candles, tons of them. I would put music on and light incense. And then after dinner, we would all move to that room, all of us, and we would sit down, and maybe we would sing a song together. We would have a short conversation, or some sort of story about saying saints and sages I would read. And then I would make them comfortable. They would not have to sit straight. They could lay down if they want to. They could give their back to the wall, whatever. And then I would put whatever you are using accompanied with music, very soothing music. And that has to turn into a habit. And I wouldn't say meditation so much. I would say, let's go to that room before we go to sleep, and let's just wind down and rest and relax. Or when you take him to that room or that place, you would help them to relax. Because you know, they had a day of jumping around and picking up things, impressions and things. So I would go from the top to bottom, relaxing your forehead, relaxing your face and your cheek, and it might be hard in the beginning, but just silent sitting. That's, that's what I would present. And not too long at all. And most of the time, almost all the time, my two boys would fall asleep, and we had to carry them to their bed.

Question Seven: What makes a mother a good mother in Your eyes?

Sat: A mother that is invested in herself. That's the only way that the mother intuitively would raise a child. You cannot take passengers with a holey boat. It would be a struggle. It would be drowning. Invest in your harmony and tranquility and all will go well. The reason I talk about Myself is not to put Myself on a pedestal, God knows this is not My purpose. But just to give you an example. I had one hand in the house and one hand on my heart at all times. In other words, I was in the world of motherhood, but I would never allow my sight from Home, from heart as much as I possibly could. And that's what everybody on the phone is doing. So if you are doing that, don't worry about what I think about a good mother. You are already higher than most mothers.

Question Eight: For my five year old son, how do I explain the concept of God? If he’s not kind to his sister, I say, “God is watching and he’s everywhere and will be able to see what you’re doing. If you’re not doing good things, he will see you.” But how can I explain the concept of God and being God-fearing, but not being afraid of him?

Sat: Please do not blame your discipline on God, ever. This is to my book a no, no. If you want to discipline your child, do it as a mother, not as God. If you, as a mother, think that God is sitting and judging you, you are not worshiping God. You’re worshiping fear, hesitation, shame. God is love. And it is not a personal love; it is a divine love. Its perfection cannot see imperfection. Only humans can see that. God is within your daughter. She cannot have fear of herself. If anything, we have to present spirituality, divinity as a comfort, as a refuge, as a place that she finds freedom, happiness, joy. This is the mistake that churches do, temples do, mosques do. How can you fear a source and go toward it? Give her advice that makes her have God as a friend, as a companion, as a trustworthy, non-judgmental source, as a source of her being. And discipline your child yourself with courage, not in the name of God.

Now, let’s open it up on a lighter session of sharing. Would anybody like to share or have a personal question? We still have time.

Anitha: Hi, Sat. Thank You so much, I see the school year is going much smoother on my end. This year we don't argue much. I do see a few situations but if I give her a wisdom, if I use the five pillar method, she's understanding. And thank You so much Sat for helping us go through all the difficult times. But I do have one question. Sat, this hit me hard when I was learning through the study circle from You two weeks before, there was a sentence in the study circle, it said, “choicelessness is constant contentment.” I noticed Kyra, especially, doesn't make choices when it comes to her snacks, or even a few other things like dressing. I used to really yell and scream at her before this journey, giving her two or three choices. But after this journey, I tell her, choose whatever you want. All the snacks we have are approved by your parents, you can pick anything you want. But I have seen her not picking up anything. And one day she got into the car without picking, even though I was watching what she was doing. So is that because of that sentence? Like, maybe she didn't want to make a choice, she wanted to have the difficulty for others to make a choice? How do I help myself here, Sat? Because I know I'm transforming, but I don't know how to help in this situation for me.

Sat: Why do you think this situation is important to get help from you?

Anitha: Because she's very hungry.

Sat: Okay, so she's hungry. Aha. And then?

Anitha: But I gave her a choice, “Okay. You can pick anything from the home. It's not like one or two. Pick anything.” She can pick anything, but she's not doing this, and she's leaving the choice to me.

Sat: Then to pick it. Just pick it. If she doesn't give you a choice, you come and complain about her having her own mind. When she does give you a choice, then you say why is she not choosing herself? Just move with her. Just move with her and see perfection please.

Anitha: Thank You so much.

Sudabeh asks Sat, recently, as Aileen gets older and we're running late, she cannot herself choose clothes, and she will not let us choose clothes for her. And it leads to fighting and arriving late. What can I do in this situation? Sat says, does discipline work? Have you tried taking her in her house clothes to wherever it is you're going? And Sudabeh says, no, I haven't tried that. And Sat says, try that. See how it works.

Sudabeh then asks another question. My daughter, Aileen, has two activities that she's involved in. One is Ukrainian dance, and she's been doing that for a year and a half, and she really loves it. But the other is piano and we have a lot of ups and downs with piano. She wants to do it one day and she doesn't the next. We have to beg her to practice. The other day, she said she doesn't wanna do it anymore at all. And it's hard for us to agree to that because we've paid for this piano and the lessons. Sat asks if she’s asked her why she doesn't wanna do it? And Sudabeh says, yes, she said she wanted to, but now she doesn't like it. And she's not very good at explaining herself. Sat says, well tell her just to finish this session that you paid for, and then she can stop. Sudabeh says, it's not the lessons that bother me, it's the cost of the piano and Sat laughs and says, “Well, maybe you should learn piano.” Then she asks, is Aileen, your daughter involved in any sports, soccer, track, etc. something that she will physically be involved in and run and be participating with others? Sudabeh says she does the Ukrainian dance twice a week, and it is physical. Sat says if she doesn't wanna do it, maybe I would replace it with something like an exercise that's outdoor, where you're running, you're part of a team. You learn cooperation and things like that. I really don’t know what to say. I mean it’s wonderful for her to learn how to play piano but at the same time you can only force so much. I don’t have an answer for that, honey.

Sat: I was given a piano, and so I got a lesson for both boys, and was thinking, okay, this is really good. Now we have a piano, we have a teacher, it's gonna go well. After the first session, both came to Me and said, never again, don't ever do that, we don't want any part of it at all. And so I said, okay, I’ll learn it. That's no problem. And I asked the same person to come and teach Me. And after two, three times, it was just not My cup of tea. It just wasn't. And I love music. It's just that I don't have a part of becoming a musician. So what I'm trying to say from sharing that is that we want our children, particularly girls, to know how to dance or to play music or to do this and that. And we go into a stage of shock when they say, “No, thank you. This is not what I want to do.”

Saranya: I have a sharing and a question as well. So recently, I gave my younger one rice in a bowl, and she was trying to move it around with her leg. And suddenly, probably because of the way that I was brought up, I stopped and said, “No, you cannot use your foot to move the rice bowl. It's not good.” Then she asked, “Why?” I told her it might have dirt and when the dirt is in the food, you're going to eat that, which might cause infection. She wasn't convinced and then I told her that God is in everything and God is in food and it's kind of disrespecting God. And then she asked me, “Do you believe that I'm God?” I said, “Yes. You are also God because God is in everything.” Then she said, “What? Are you saying that God is eating God? I thought we are vegetarians.” And I don't know what to answer her or if I made any mistake in my explanation to her, so I thought I would ask.

Sat: You know, God is not a form. It's not like it's flesh and we eat each other. These are our children’s comebacks and that was a very clever one. You know, we have to be very careful bringing God into things that we want our kids to not do or do because they're going to question you really deeply. Next time she does that, say, “When you can eat with your toes, you can move around your plate with your feet. Until you can eat with your toes, just let your hand do the walking.” Again, we have to choose the right time to talk about God. But we have to say I'm not talking about the physical part. God is the energy that moves the physical. The life that we feel in our body is God. So they don't take it as personal. And as parents, all of you are beginning to learn, along with your children, how to explain divinity. The easiest way to do it, through My own mistakes and ups and downs, is Allness, Allness and then leave it at that. Don't personalize the Allness by saying that God is in the food. So be careful. Food is food. God is the Aliveness and it will never die and it never can be eaten. It never can be offended by her feet.

Be very careful to not personalize God as having character or getting offended or not. I know that's not your case, but I'm just saying it. It is something very mystical and also very available and Perfection. No matter what your daughter does, it's still perfection. It's funny that when we concentrate on our little one as the perfection of God, how things go better. And, you know, even if she moves around her food with her feet and you tell her not to do it, I don't think she's gonna continue doing that every time. I think it's just a one time experience to see how it feels. But I know that we want our daughters to be proper. She will be, Saranya. She will be. She comes from a very proper family, and I've told you that before. A very devotional, very clean family.

Saranaya: Thank You so much.

Sat: It's not hard to raise children at all … because we are raising a human that is raising another human and it's so hard that way. Before I go, I’d like to say as parents, you guys are doing amazing and just chill it. Don't get involved with every movement of your children. Cut them slack without losing discipline in the time that is needed. I think we're all doing our best or we wouldn't be on the phone. Because only parents who care come on the phone and want to review their parenthood. And remember that the ups and downs that we see in our children's behavior belong to the ups and downs that life introduces. In other words, we are not, as a body, separate from the life of humanhood. So it will have good and bad, and up and down. It’s the nature of the manifestation. So hang in there and invest in yourself.

Janani: I’m Janani and I am new to this group. Thank You for letting me join this group. It's amazing to listen to the sharings and learn from other parents and learn from You. I think I'm going to learn a lot and change myself so that I'm a better parent. Thank You for answering all the questions. It was great to listen to You. Anitha has told me a lot about You, and I've been listening to some of the Youtube videos. Not all of them yet. I do have a question.

My kid goes to basketball with my friend's child and she told me that that child told her that she sucks at basketball. The other kid is a younger one. And she didn't like the way she told her and she was feeling bad about it. So what is the best thing to tell her? You just have to practice and ignore those negative comments? How do I do that? How do I say that?

Sat: Are you friends with the mother of that daughter? I would mention it to her in a very leisurely way. And then you don't have to tell your daughter you did that at all. So you're taking a step for the cause of the problem. And then you tell her, in life people will love you and people may get angry or find fault with you and I’ll tell you what we can do to remedy that. When something unpleasant comes towards you, just drop it like a hot potato. But in order to do that side, Janini, you have to also invest in yourself. Your words have to start having power because you are experiencing it yourself. So then you teach her the art of living. Which means, yes, in this world, people will say a lot of things but I want you to be so confident of yourself, knowing that you are also a divine being and perfection, that it's like a duck in the water. The water doesn't penetrate, it pours off of your skin. That type of conversation. So more than that, I'm so happy that you choose to help yourself as a personal self, not as a mother, and then allow that improvement in your own peace to penetrate your family.

Janini: Thank you so much, Sat.

Farnaz: I just wanna express my deep gratitude for You coming to this call despite having a lot of other things to do. And I know Your body must have been tired. I am so grateful for these opportunities. I wanna tell You that by putting to practice what You have taught, I feel more harmony. I feel more understanding, more peace, and more effectiveness in my relationship with my kid. And everything You have said has been proven right. And to the extent that I'm capable and successful in implementing them, I see the results. Thank You so much for everything You do and every word You have taught us. The whole family is so grateful.

Sat: You’re very welcome. Before I go, I'm reminded to discuss something and that is use God scarcely with your children so it doesn't become a very ordinary philosophy for them. Use it in a very, very crucial moment as perfection, love and allness of that child. If we use it too often and too leisurely, or for a purpose, we will be questioned rightfully and it will take away the very deep meaning of God. What you can remind your child of over and over is her or his perfection being surrounded by the light of God. But as far as any other suggestion, then it becomes a suggestion.

Namaste say to all of you, have a wonderful weekend.

Parenting Chat
September 6, 2025