Children Are Like A Mirror

Question: My nine year old daughter often ignores us when we speak to her and refuses to listen, repeatedly negotiates with us instead of doing what we ask, and sometimes I see rudeness in her response to us. What is the best way to parent this type of child?

Sat: You know the children go through so many phases: rebellious, argumentative, all sorts of things. And remember these are short periods and they move on - unless there is a meanness, I mean real meanness, in it. Also, the children look at their parents, they really learn from their parents. So take a good look at your husband and yourself, and see if there is anything that she does [that] has to do with your own behavior, and the way we handle some situations. And, maybe we need to do something about our own reaction, or persistence, or maybe even at times, rudeness.

But beside that, if she's not listening, repetition of the same thing is going to make her more deaf to our words. So I would say, come up with more creative ways of talking to her instead of all the time. Parents, I know we say “No, or I told you not to do this, or I told you to listen.” Well, if you told her and she still is doing it, find another way, another tactic to remedy the situation. So, be creative in your approach to her. Girls are very smart, very observant. So I would say talk to her in a more fun way, more different ways so she is not deaf to it. And plus, also see if her reaction is anything that you two are doing and then you can sit down and say, “You know, I've been telling you not to react this way or not to talk to us like this, but I see sometimes we do it to each other as a husband and wife; so I'm sorry. I'm going to correct myself.” Or, he can say the same thing, and then move on with a different direction. Bring variety in your advice to your children. I really, really think … I remember Myself being very, very creative. When I told the kids to clean their room and they wouldn't, I would come up with another way, something fun or a different approach for the same result. So see if that works.

Questioner: Sure, Sat, but I do have a follow up question from You. Is it the right place to address the advice at the moment the argument is happening or the later point in time? Because I see when I try to address it the moment when it is happening, it is getting worse, Sat. So what will be the best time to address and advise and sit and talk to her in a fun way?

Sat: Well, the thing is that if the child is throwing a tantrum, you don't talk to her at that time. You let her throw a tantrum, you just move to another room, let her do whatever she needs to do with her sentiments. And then, she realizes it really felt bad. But if she is doing something in public that is not good, you address it right there, you move her from that place and come to her level and say “This is not acceptable. You sit in the car. This is not acceptable.” So there is a different time and different place (to deal with tantrums.) And, I agree with you [it is] after she throws her tantrum and the house is quiet, when you find another good time or right time, you just say “I need to talk to you” [and] sit down and and just very lovingly tell her “You know the way you threw a tantrum, it just did not feel good to you, so let's find a way where you can handle your emotion better and I can help you.” Then, it all depends on yourself [and] how you handle your emotions, then you can help your child. We cannot want everything good for our kids without ourselves not knowing what to do with ourselves. So every advice we give to our children, we have to make sure that we are obeying it ourselves, it’s comfortable for ourselves, or this is our way of approach. Children are like mirrors so we are so quick to correct them but they are really showing our own face.

Parenting Meeting
October 21, 2023