Anger-Focus On Teaching Children Peace

Question 1: When my niece gets mad, she throws temper tantrums (for example, slamming the door or stomping her feet). I asked why she does this? She said that she’s not convinced it’s a bad thing and she just feels like doing it. There are consequences for her actions but she doesn’t care about them. How can I explain to her not to do these things? She is not convinced that she shouldn’t do things like this when she’s angry - how can we convince her not to?

Sat: Listen, children get angry, grown ups get angry, and we all have a different way of expressing it. One of my grandchildren just runs out of the house and just runs, runs, runs, runs. This is not a problem at all. If they slam the door, or they leave, or whatever they do, they have to express it. It is an art to be able to let go of the anger. But the main thing is, if she is an overly angry person, then we have to address that sentiment, not the reaction that the sentiment gives. And we have to, by watching the child, [see] what makes her angry and see, can we avoid that? And then sitting her down and saying, “You know, when you are angry, it makes your body so uncomfortable. Let me tell you what you can do.” If you can do it, or maybe you can do it once in a while, still it is better than nothing. We can't just go ahead and say, “Stop doing that. Why are you doing that?” I'm not sure they know why they're doing that. It's just a strong reaction to the situation.

So, again, we teach them how to stay, how to not go with the thoughts if they admit that it is uncomfortable. If you ask them, “doesn't the anger make you uncomfortable?” and they say, “no, it doesn't,” then there is not an opening to do that. And they grow out of it. They experience more and more discomfort with it, and eventually they bring it down. But, we have to understand that children are human beings and we too reacted when we were that age. We still react at this age. How can we expect them to control their anger? So again, we go back to a tool. If they are receptive to it, we give them a tool. If they are not receptive to it, we watch to not make them so angry. We look to eliminate situations. Like if she is angry with her sister, we can talk to the sister and say, “you know, these are the things that push her buttons to the limit. Please back off.” There are a lot of things that you can do around the situation, rather than say, “stop slamming the door.”

Question 2: Is there a balance between letting our children express their anger and frustration, but not letting it go too far? If they're really over reacting, is there a line at which we would intervene, or do we just give them that freedom?

Sat: You know, it all depends on the child. If, like I said, there is a reasonable reason for a child to react, that's fine. But if you have an angry child, then you really have to work with them. In other words, the best thing is silence against when it's happening, and then having a thorough talk with them about understanding. Like saying, “Yes, everybody gets angry and I totally get it. I know how it feels. I know it's hard to control. But let me tell you what helps me: immediately letting it go when you are angry and moving on from that situation. Whether you go to your room, whether you go outside, whether you take a ball and start kicking it, etc.” If you have an overly angry child, you really have to start helping them from the very get-go. But not helping them by demanding, rather, helping them in a spiritual way.

Maybe to sit down after they calm down and do a trust meditation or a stop meditation and say, “You see how it feels when you do that? You see how it felt when you were angry? You are in control and if you develop it from childhood, you will have a mastery of it.” But again, you have to give the child leeway and not be so picky about everything they do. Some parents just put their kids under a microscope so they can behave well. It's not about behavior. Is about what gives the child success in their peace as they grow up. Remember, concentrate on teaching them how to achieve peace rather than behavior; acceptance.

Question 3: Recently, we had had a very long day as a family. We had been in the car for what felt like all day running around, running around. And at the very end of the day, we needed to make one more errand, and Luca really didn't wanna go with us. I could tell he was very tired, but he had to come with us. And at the end of the day, I drove us all of, like, an hour out of the way by accident. I made a mistake about where we were supposed to be, and everybody was just tired and very fussy. And after that happened, and we all figured out that I had driven us completely out of the way when we all didn't want to be in this car at all, Luca got very frustrated with me and started being like, “Oh my God, I can't believe you did this. What were you thinking?” And just piling on. And I took a minute, and I said, “Hey, Luca, I get that you're frustrated, dude. I'm frustrated. This was a very frustrating situation. I totally get it. But, in our family, when somebody makes a mistake, we don't need to make them feel worse about it. I feel bad about this. You know, I'm frustrated too.” But, I wanted to know, was that necessary? Was the best reaction silence? Is it okay to guide them in that way? What is the best way to handle it if they are being frustrated at you, or blaming you?

Sat: Well, I would be frustrated at you in that car. You know you drag your kid all over the place all day, and then you drive him like this and you want him to behave. How selfish is that? You see, this is what I mean. We want our children at all times to behave well. No! We don't. We have fights with our husbands. We lose our patience. Why should he control it? You messed up and he needs to fan it. Don't you think so? I mean, that's giving …

Bahar: I'm laughing so hard. Thank You. It's very fair.

Sat: It's so fair. You just don't wanna be blamed and you needed to be blamed.

Bahar: I'm so glad I asked You. Thank You.

Sat: Yes. Give the child a break.

Bahar: I will. Thank You.

Sat: Okay. Bahar, each person has a different tendency. With Me, I blow up, but then it's all gone. There is not a memory, there is not a trace, there is not an anger after that. There is nothing. But if somebody comes and says why are you blowing up (for an absolutely good reason that I'm blowing up), then they are taking My release away from Me. Do you know what I'm saying?

Some people hold on, and they behave at that moment, but they hold on to it for a long, long time, and eventually it will explode. Some of us just express it like you would not believe, for two minutes, max of three or four minutes. And you all know that about Me. And then it's all gone. I come back and I hug the same person. So the Maya is Maya. But the thing is that for those of us who blow up and after a few minutes it's all gone and it's back to normal, I would say this is much better than the people who keep grudges and keep anger. They try not to express it for the longest time, because it's not a good thing to express but it’s damaging because they dwell on it. So I want all the parents to remember that - if you have a child that blows up and then releases, then goes on, please let them be - it will help them in future.

Bahar: Thank you so much.

Sat: You know the point I'm trying to make is that ever since we are together, I hardly ever emphasize on character. The emphasis is on how to release ourselves of character, the roots of character, which is the ego, or “I am the body.” If you each of you that have children, by your own example put time to meditate with your child (and when I say, meditate with your child, it is silent sitting and listening to something inspiring), I promise you, this will help eliminate the roots for them, meaning that those uncomfortable traits that they have, it will fall off by themselves. They just will fall off.

I hear so much about your children, how they came up with such an amazing question or amazing answer, and how they crave for listening to the tapes and recordings. Why? Because you are raising them properly. Therefore, again, if there is an abnormal behavior of anger or violence, I would say, definitely do whatever you can. But in other cases, the child needs space. If the child is mean and talks dirty and all of that, yes, by all means, remedy it. I used to wash my children's mouths with soap, and they weren't even saying anything bad. It just was inappropriate what they did. And I must have done that three or four times, and it was the end of it. So I'm not saying not to discipline your children. What I'm saying is we are so working on our way back home, and I'm sure your children would follow your footsteps back home, so I wouldn't worry about it. It's not a normal situation.

You guys are all very advanced and I'm sure they are even more advanced than we are, or they wouldn't fall in a family where the atmosphere is so conducive for them. And remember that if I have to say anything very important today, it would be that you are raising your children in an atmosphere of holiness. You don't need to want to correct every behavior, nor will I correct my behavior or your behavior, unless it is mean, hurtful and damaging. And when your child lies, know that is normal. They don't do it viciously, so open your heart to understanding, so they know that if they tell the truth, you will be okay with it.

Put yourself in their place. At that age they are just here, maybe 10 years, or 20 years, or 15 years, or 5 years. Remember that. They don't have our spiritual experiences under their arms or the world experiences. So what we do is observe our children without opinion. We watch them. Like I told you before, I still watch my 40 year old boys. I watch them. And when you watch them, you know how to react to them. It is not impulsive, not unconscious. Let your parenting be not so much about behavior, but to see how, spiritually, we can have more understanding of them and we can help them to that degree. I'm sure it is. I'm just reminding you guys.

You know for centuries, out of their beautiful hearts, mothers put so many do’s and don'ts and their children felt suffocated, and they still went on. And they were very educated, but not happy. I mean, they could be a doctor or an amazing plumber, or this and that, but we're gonna approach it differently. Is not so important what they achieve in life, it is important that they achieve joy and contentment. I think that is the most important nutrition that I gave to My kids. And the result was very good. I didn't force them to be somebody. I sat down and sang bhajans with them and talked to them on a spiritual level. Every decision we made, we went inside and got it from the intuitive part of us. Every decision - if we wanted to go on a trip then all four of us sat down and did that. And, now, because I didn't force anything upon them and fed them spiritually, I feel like this way the children become rounded.

And we have to break that belief system, that success is in education and success is in having the best of the best of the things. They come as a side dish of what we are feeding them now. Believe Me, that makes them more successful with peace than the other way around. I'm not saying we don't get angry if our child is not studying or we don't tell them [to]. What I'm saying is the focus has to come from education outwardly to education inwardly. The education inwardly is association with their higher self and will pave the path to their success.

Bahar: I feel like there was a world in that answer Sat Jan thank You so much.

Parenting Chat
August 19, 2023